Biografia:
Garrison Keillor (born Gary Edward Keillor on August 7, 1942) is an American author, humorist, columnist, musician, satirist, and radio personality. He is best known as host of the American Public Media show A Prairie Home Companion (also known as Garrison Keillor's Radio Show on BBC 7 and in Ireland).
Read more on Last.fm
Outras músicas:
Quatro anos de trabalho duro!Neste mês de maio fizemos quatro anos no ar. Continuamos trabalhando na divulgação deste maravilhoso instrumento, obrigado por participar da nossa história!
"Bad Jokes"
By Garrison Keillor; Performed by Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly
from "Prarie Home Companion"
Recommended: Skip some verses; do a different batch each time to keep it fresh. There are 18 verses here!
Playing with family? Use the ratings to guide you.
* ratedG = safe for all, nothing worse than potty humor (5 total)
* ratedPG = suggestive but okay for older kids (5 total)
* ratedPG-13 = teenagers and up, depending on your views (6 total)
* ratedR = sexually explicit (3 total)
The lyrics here mix the film version with the official Keillor version to include all possible jokes.
Song is in D with a classic I-Iv-V blues pattern; commentary and banter between performers happens
while holding a D chord. Feel the rhythm of the first verse to get the chords for subsequent verses.
[Intro]
D D/c G/B Bb7 [x2]
D G A7 D
[Verse 1]
(ratedPG)
D G
The blind man's seeing eye dog
D A7
Pissed on the blind man's shoe.
D G
So the blind man said, "Here, Rover,
A7 D
Here's a chunk of beef for you."
D G
And his wife said, "Don't reward him
D A7
For peeing on you, dear."
D G
He said, "I'm trying to find out where's his mouth
A7 D
So I can kick him in the rear."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 2]
(ratedPG-13)
D
You got one Dusty.
D
I got one Lefty.
D
Let's hear it.
D G
When God created Woman
D A7
She had not two breasts but three
D G
And the middle one got in the way
A7 D
So God performed surgery.
D G
And Woman stood in front of God
D A7
With the middle breast in her hand
D G
She said, "What can we do with the useless boob?"
A7 D
And God created Man.
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love â??em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of â??em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 3]
(ratedR)
D G
I turned eighty the other day
D A7
And everybody was there
D G
And I was dressed up in a suit
A7 D
Sitting in my wheelchair
D G
When a beautiful young naked woman
D A7
Stood up in front of the group.
D G
She offered me some super sex
A7 D
And I said, "I'll take the soup."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
A7
Death and sex and such bad taste,
G
Someone oughta slap my face
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 4]
(ratedPG)
D
You ready for another one?
D
Yea, lay it on me.
D G
Ollie went to the neighborhood dance
D A7
And he won the big door prize
D G
It was a toilet brush and he took it home
A7 D
And the next week one of the guys
D G
Said, "Ollie's, how's that toilet brush?
D A7
The one you got from the neighbors?"
D G
And Ollie said, "Oh, it works pretty good.
A7 D
But I think I'd rather use paper."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
A7
You know the reason that farts smell
G
Is so deaf people can enjoy 'em as well
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 5]
(ratedR)
D G
The farmer had a champion bull
D A7
Who bred two hundred times a year.
D G
The farmer's wife said, "Two hundred times!
A7 D
Isn't that wonderful, dear?
D G
Maybe you ought to watch him,
D A7
Maybe he'd show you how."
D G
The farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull
A7 D
But it wasn't all with the same cow."
D
Come on now.
[Verse 6]
(ratedG)
D G
My mother turned 89
D A7
And much to our surprise
D G
She decided to get outdoors
A7 D
And started to exercise.
D G
Mother walked ten miles a day
D A7
And now she's 93.
D G
Poor old mother, we don't know
A7 D
Where on earth she could be.
[Verse 7]
(ratedG)
D G
A German shepherd walks into a bar
D A7
And says "Hey, I'm a talking dog.
D G
I know other dogs do tricks,
A7 D
But you ever hear one talk? I
D G
How about a drink for a dog
D A7
Who's articulate and erudite?
D G
And the bartender said, "Sure,
A7 D
The toilet's there, first door on the right."
D
Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ.
[verse 8]
(ratedG)
D G
Last night a man was murdered
D A7
It was clearly no accident.
D G
They found him in the bathtub
A7 D
Full of milk - two percent.
D G
There also were sliced bananas
D A7
But this was the real chiller:
D G
There were a hundred pounds of corn flakes.
A7 D
They think it was a cereal killer.
[Verse 9]
(ratedPG)
D G
A man walks into a restaurant
D A7
and he looks at the long menu
D G
And finally the waiter comes around
A7 D
And says, "What can I do for you?"
D G
"How do you prepare your chickens?"
D A7
Says the man. The waiter replies
D G
"We don't do anything special.
A7 D
We just tell 'em they're gonna die."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 10]
(ratedPG-13)
D
You gotta another one Dusty?
D
Actually I do.
D
You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?
D
No, who they think did that?
D
Well they don't know,
D
But they are on the lookout for hardened criminals.
D
You got another one?
D
I got another one Lefty.
[Verse 11]
(ratedR)
D G
Sven said to his friend, "O, I think my wife died."
D A7
His friend said, "What do you mean you think?"
D G
"Well, the sex is still the same,
A7 D
But the dishes are stacking up."
[Bridge]
D
Hey Dusty.
Yea Lefty.
D
Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary?
D
No, I didn't.
Yea, it runs in your jeans.
D
Heya, Lefty.
D
Yea, go aheadin.
D
Why do they call it PMS?
D
PMS, well I don't know why?
D
Mad cow was already taken.
D
Hey, Dusty.
Yea, Lefty.
D
What do you get when you cross Holy water with castor oil?
D
I don't know Lefty. What do you get?
D
A religious movement.
D
Heya, Hey, Lefty.
D
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
What did he say?
D
He said, "It's cute,
But can you really breathe through that thing?"
D
Come on
[Verse 12]
(ratedPG)
D G
"Mr. Jones, I have to complain
D A7
About your ten-year old son.
D G
He's playing doctor with my daughter."
A7 D
Mr. Jones said, "That's how it's done.
D G
Kids explore sexuality.
D A7
I don't see what's the matter."
D G
"Exploring sexuality, hell.
A7 D
He took out her gall bladder."
[Verse 13]
(ratedPG)
D G
My daughter brought home a boyfriend
D A7
With great big ugly tattoos
D G
And long black greasy hair
A7 D
And Lord how he hit the booze.
D G
I said, "Darling, I'm sure he's nice,
D A7
But something makes me nervous."
D G
She said, "He's extremely nice..
A7 D
He's doing 500 hours of community service."
[verse 14]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
There was a man named Scraggs
D A7
Bought two dozen condoms a week.
D G
The drugstore clerk said nothing for months
A7 D
And finally she had to speak.
D G
What do you do with all those condoms?
D A7
It's simple, said Mr. Scraggs.
D G
I feed them to my poodle
A7 D
Now she poops in plastic bags.
[Verse 15]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
One morning, the devil came to church,
D A7
In a burst of smoke and flame,
D G
He ran up and down the aisle.
A7 D
He said, "Beelzebub is my name.
D G
I am evil incarnate,
D A7
The object of all your fears!"
D G
The old man said, "You don't scare me at all,
A7 D
Been married to your sister for 48 years."
[Verse 15]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
Tommy went to confession,
D A7
He said, "Forgive me for I have sinned."
D G
Father Murphy said, "With whom?
A7 D
Was it Megan or Marilyn?
D G
Was it Brenda, Fiona, or Kathy?"
D A7
Tommy just rattled his beads.
D G
The priest gave him four Our Fathers
A7 D
And also five good leads."
[Verse 16]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
Jim and John had to share a room
D A7
One night in a hotel.
D G
Jim said, "I snore so bad.
A7 D
I doubt you'll sleep that well."
D G
John kissed him on the cheek.
D A7
He said, "Sweetheart, it's all right."
D G
And Jim went and sat in a chair
A7 D
And stayed awake all night.
[Verse 17]
(ratedG)
D G
Ole lay on his deathbed,
D A7
He knew he was going to die.
D G
And then he smelled a beautiful smell
A7 D
Of Lena's rhubarb pie.
D G
He crept downstairs to the kitchen,
D A7
There it was, he let out a moan.
D G
Then Lena whacked him with a broom:
A7 D
That's for the funeral. Leave it alone.
[Verse 18]
(ratedG)
D G
"Darling, you've always been with me.
D A7
On life's long bumpy ride.
D G
Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy,
A7 D
You've been here by my side.
D G
My heart attack and the house burning down
D A7
That night the lightning struck.
D G
And liver cancer - and now suddenly
A7 D
I'm starting to think that you're bad luck."
D
The nice thing about Alzheimer's, men,
D
You enjoy the same jokes again and again
D
And again and again and again!
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love â??em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of â??em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
D
Hey!
###
By Garrison Keillor; Performed by Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly
from "Prarie Home Companion"
Recommended: Skip some verses; do a different batch each time to keep it fresh. There are 18 verses here!
Playing with family? Use the ratings to guide you.
* ratedG = safe for all, nothing worse than potty humor (5 total)
* ratedPG = suggestive but okay for older kids (5 total)
* ratedPG-13 = teenagers and up, depending on your views (6 total)
* ratedR = sexually explicit (3 total)
The lyrics here mix the film version with the official Keillor version to include all possible jokes.
Song is in D with a classic I-Iv-V blues pattern; commentary and banter between performers happens
while holding a D chord. Feel the rhythm of the first verse to get the chords for subsequent verses.
[Intro]
D D/c G/B Bb7 [x2]
D G A7 D
[Verse 1]
(ratedPG)
D G
The blind man's seeing eye dog
D A7
Pissed on the blind man's shoe.
D G
So the blind man said, "Here, Rover,
A7 D
Here's a chunk of beef for you."
D G
And his wife said, "Don't reward him
D A7
For peeing on you, dear."
D G
He said, "I'm trying to find out where's his mouth
A7 D
So I can kick him in the rear."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 2]
(ratedPG-13)
D
You got one Dusty.
D
I got one Lefty.
D
Let's hear it.
D G
When God created Woman
D A7
She had not two breasts but three
D G
And the middle one got in the way
A7 D
So God performed surgery.
D G
And Woman stood in front of God
D A7
With the middle breast in her hand
D G
She said, "What can we do with the useless boob?"
A7 D
And God created Man.
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love â??em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of â??em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 3]
(ratedR)
D G
I turned eighty the other day
D A7
And everybody was there
D G
And I was dressed up in a suit
A7 D
Sitting in my wheelchair
D G
When a beautiful young naked woman
D A7
Stood up in front of the group.
D G
She offered me some super sex
A7 D
And I said, "I'll take the soup."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
A7
Death and sex and such bad taste,
G
Someone oughta slap my face
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 4]
(ratedPG)
D
You ready for another one?
D
Yea, lay it on me.
D G
Ollie went to the neighborhood dance
D A7
And he won the big door prize
D G
It was a toilet brush and he took it home
A7 D
And the next week one of the guys
D G
Said, "Ollie's, how's that toilet brush?
D A7
The one you got from the neighbors?"
D G
And Ollie said, "Oh, it works pretty good.
A7 D
But I think I'd rather use paper."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
A7
You know the reason that farts smell
G
Is so deaf people can enjoy 'em as well
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 5]
(ratedR)
D G
The farmer had a champion bull
D A7
Who bred two hundred times a year.
D G
The farmer's wife said, "Two hundred times!
A7 D
Isn't that wonderful, dear?
D G
Maybe you ought to watch him,
D A7
Maybe he'd show you how."
D G
The farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull
A7 D
But it wasn't all with the same cow."
D
Come on now.
[Verse 6]
(ratedG)
D G
My mother turned 89
D A7
And much to our surprise
D G
She decided to get outdoors
A7 D
And started to exercise.
D G
Mother walked ten miles a day
D A7
And now she's 93.
D G
Poor old mother, we don't know
A7 D
Where on earth she could be.
[Verse 7]
(ratedG)
D G
A German shepherd walks into a bar
D A7
And says "Hey, I'm a talking dog.
D G
I know other dogs do tricks,
A7 D
But you ever hear one talk? I
D G
How about a drink for a dog
D A7
Who's articulate and erudite?
D G
And the bartender said, "Sure,
A7 D
The toilet's there, first door on the right."
D
Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ.
[verse 8]
(ratedG)
D G
Last night a man was murdered
D A7
It was clearly no accident.
D G
They found him in the bathtub
A7 D
Full of milk - two percent.
D G
There also were sliced bananas
D A7
But this was the real chiller:
D G
There were a hundred pounds of corn flakes.
A7 D
They think it was a cereal killer.
[Verse 9]
(ratedPG)
D G
A man walks into a restaurant
D A7
and he looks at the long menu
D G
And finally the waiter comes around
A7 D
And says, "What can I do for you?"
D G
"How do you prepare your chickens?"
D A7
Says the man. The waiter replies
D G
"We don't do anything special.
A7 D
We just tell 'em they're gonna die."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 10]
(ratedPG-13)
D
You gotta another one Dusty?
D
Actually I do.
D
You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?
D
No, who they think did that?
D
Well they don't know,
D
But they are on the lookout for hardened criminals.
D
You got another one?
D
I got another one Lefty.
[Verse 11]
(ratedR)
D G
Sven said to his friend, "O, I think my wife died."
D A7
His friend said, "What do you mean you think?"
D G
"Well, the sex is still the same,
A7 D
But the dishes are stacking up."
[Bridge]
D
Hey Dusty.
Yea Lefty.
D
Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary?
D
No, I didn't.
Yea, it runs in your jeans.
D
Heya, Lefty.
D
Yea, go aheadin.
D
Why do they call it PMS?
D
PMS, well I don't know why?
D
Mad cow was already taken.
D
Hey, Dusty.
Yea, Lefty.
D
What do you get when you cross Holy water with castor oil?
D
I don't know Lefty. What do you get?
D
A religious movement.
D
Heya, Hey, Lefty.
D
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
What did he say?
D
He said, "It's cute,
But can you really breathe through that thing?"
D
Come on
[Verse 12]
(ratedPG)
D G
"Mr. Jones, I have to complain
D A7
About your ten-year old son.
D G
He's playing doctor with my daughter."
A7 D
Mr. Jones said, "That's how it's done.
D G
Kids explore sexuality.
D A7
I don't see what's the matter."
D G
"Exploring sexuality, hell.
A7 D
He took out her gall bladder."
[Verse 13]
(ratedPG)
D G
My daughter brought home a boyfriend
D A7
With great big ugly tattoos
D G
And long black greasy hair
A7 D
And Lord how he hit the booze.
D G
I said, "Darling, I'm sure he's nice,
D A7
But something makes me nervous."
D G
She said, "He's extremely nice..
A7 D
He's doing 500 hours of community service."
[verse 14]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
There was a man named Scraggs
D A7
Bought two dozen condoms a week.
D G
The drugstore clerk said nothing for months
A7 D
And finally she had to speak.
D G
What do you do with all those condoms?
D A7
It's simple, said Mr. Scraggs.
D G
I feed them to my poodle
A7 D
Now she poops in plastic bags.
[Verse 15]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
One morning, the devil came to church,
D A7
In a burst of smoke and flame,
D G
He ran up and down the aisle.
A7 D
He said, "Beelzebub is my name.
D G
I am evil incarnate,
D A7
The object of all your fears!"
D G
The old man said, "You don't scare me at all,
A7 D
Been married to your sister for 48 years."
[Verse 15]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
Tommy went to confession,
D A7
He said, "Forgive me for I have sinned."
D G
Father Murphy said, "With whom?
A7 D
Was it Megan or Marilyn?
D G
Was it Brenda, Fiona, or Kathy?"
D A7
Tommy just rattled his beads.
D G
The priest gave him four Our Fathers
A7 D
And also five good leads."
[Verse 16]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
Jim and John had to share a room
D A7
One night in a hotel.
D G
Jim said, "I snore so bad.
A7 D
I doubt you'll sleep that well."
D G
John kissed him on the cheek.
D A7
He said, "Sweetheart, it's all right."
D G
And Jim went and sat in a chair
A7 D
And stayed awake all night.
[Verse 17]
(ratedG)
D G
Ole lay on his deathbed,
D A7
He knew he was going to die.
D G
And then he smelled a beautiful smell
A7 D
Of Lena's rhubarb pie.
D G
He crept downstairs to the kitchen,
D A7
There it was, he let out a moan.
D G
Then Lena whacked him with a broom:
A7 D
That's for the funeral. Leave it alone.
[Verse 18]
(ratedG)
D G
"Darling, you've always been with me.
D A7
On life's long bumpy ride.
D G
Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy,
A7 D
You've been here by my side.
D G
My heart attack and the house burning down
D A7
That night the lightning struck.
D G
And liver cancer - and now suddenly
A7 D
I'm starting to think that you're bad luck."
D
The nice thing about Alzheimer's, men,
D
You enjoy the same jokes again and again
D
And again and again and again!
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love â??em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of â??em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
D
Hey!
###
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