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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
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stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
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street from Jerry s Bait Shop You know the place Well anyway back then
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life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy except of course
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for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me
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a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Daaaaaaaouh Big bowl of
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sauerkraut!
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Every single morning It was driving me crazy I said to
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my mom I said Hey mom what s up with all the sauerkraut And my dear
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sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
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And she leaned right down next to me and she said It s good for you
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And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
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and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half
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years old That s when I swore that someday someday I would get out of
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that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is
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always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are
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oh so fluffy where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele s all
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day long and anyone on the street ll gladly shave you re back for a
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nickel Wakawakadoodoo yah Well let me tell you people that it wasn t
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long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local
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radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number
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of molecules in Leonard Neroy s butt I was off by three but I still won
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the grand prize That s right a first class one-way ticket to
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A - lbuquerque A - lbuquerque Ah yah you know I never
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been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great
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Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with
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excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept
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throwing up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr Pepper
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and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was Biodome with Polly Shore
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And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a
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tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant
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fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why Cause I had my
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train table up and my seat back in the full upright position had my
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train table up and my seat back in the full upright position had my
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train table up and my seat back in the full upright position Ah ha ha
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ha Oh ha ha Ahhhh So I crawled from the twisted burnin wreckage I
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crawled on my hands and knees for three full days dragging along my big
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leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my
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twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark
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snorkel But finally a arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday
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Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy and you could eat you re soup
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right out of the ashtrays if you wanna it s OK their clean Well I
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checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro
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vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
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that I love so very very much when suddenly there s a knock on the door
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Well now who could that be I say who is it No answer Who is it
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There s no answer Who is it They re not saying anything so finally I
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go over and I open the door and just as I suspected it s some big fat
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hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull s haircut and only one nostril Oh
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man I hate it when I m right So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes
my lucky snorkel and I m like hey you can t have that That snorkel has
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been just like a snorkel to me And he s like tough And I m like give
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it And he s like make me And I m like k So I grabbed his leg and
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he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my
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eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation
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yes indeed you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all the
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phone got knocked off the hook and twenty seconds later I heard a
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familiar voice and you know what it said I ll tell you what it said it
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said if you d like to make a call please hang up and try again If you
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need help hang up and then dial you re operator If you d like to make a
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call please hang up and try again If you need help hang up and then dial
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you re operator In A - lbuquerque A - lbuquerque Well
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to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel But I made a solemn
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vow right then and there that I would rest I would not sleep for an
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instant until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice But first I
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decided to buy some donuts So I got in my car and drove over to the donut
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shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says yah
wadaya want
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I said you got any glazed donuts He said naaa were all out of
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glazed donuts I said well you got any jelly donuts He said naaa
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were all out of jelly donuts I said you got any Bavarian cream-filled
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donuts He said naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts I
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said you got any cinnamon rolls He said naaa were all out of
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cinnamon rolls I said you got any apple fritters He said naaa
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were out of apple fritters I said you got any bear claws He said
wait a minute I'll go check
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Naaa were out of bear claws I said well in that case in that case
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what do you have He said all I ve got right now is this box of one
dozen starving crazed weasels G------ I said OK I ll take that So he
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hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they
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immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi
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yiyiyiyi Oh oh man they were just going nuts Their terin me apart You
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know I think it was just about that time that little ditty started goin
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through my head I believe it went a little something like this
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?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh
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hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh I ran out onto the street with these flesh
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eating weasels all over my face waiving my arms all around and just
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runnin and runnin and runnin like a constipated wiener dog And as luck
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would have it that s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams her
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name was Zelda She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite
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and hair the colour of strange peaches I ll never forget the very first
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thing she said to me she said hey you got weasels on your face
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That s when I knew it was true love we were inseparable after that oh we
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ate together we bathed together we even shared the same piece of mint
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flavoured dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and
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we bought us a house and had two beautiful children Nathaniel and
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Superfly Oh we were so very very very happy oh ya But then one fateful
night Zelda said to me she said Sweetie-pumpkin do you want to join
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the Columbia Record Club I said Wooooah hold on now baby I m
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just not ready for that kind of a commitment So we broke up and I never
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saw her again but that s just the way things go In A
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lbuquerque A - lbuquerque
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Anyway then things really started looking up for me because about a week
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later I finally achieved my life-long dream That s right I got me a part
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time job at the Sizzler I even made employee-of-the-month after I put
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out that grease-fire with my face Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me
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after that I was getting lota attitude OK like one time I was out in
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the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil when
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I see this guy Marty tryin to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by
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himself So I-I say to him I say hey you want me to help you with
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that And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes nooooo I want you to cut
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off my arms and legs with a chain saw So I did And then he gets all
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indignant on me he s like hey mad I was just being sarcastic Well
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that s just great how was I supposed to know that I m not a mind reader
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for crying out loud Besides now he s got a really cute nickname Torso boy
what s he complaining about Say that reminds me of another amusing
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anecdote this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn t had
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a bite in three days Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I
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took a big bite out of his jugular vein and he s yelling and screaming
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and bleeding all over and I m like hey come on don t you get it But he
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just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming YAHHHH
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OHHHH AHHHH And I m completely missing the irony of the whole situation
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man some people just can t take a joke you know Anyway um um where was
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I Kinda lost my train of thought Oh uh well oh okay anyway I know it s
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a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I m trying to
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make is I HATE SAURKROUT That s all I m really trying to say and by
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the way if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an
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exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the
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pain and isolation of you re pitiful meaningless existence at least even
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take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
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crazy old mixed up universe of ours there s still a little place called
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A - lbuquerque A - lbuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque
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Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque
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Albuquerque I say A A L L B B U U QUERQUE QUERQUE
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Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque
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Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque
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Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque
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Albuquerque Albuquerque